cycle of submission

We are taught to be subservient.

From a young age, you were told to obey. By your parents. Teachers. Adults of any sort.

Sit up straight. Wash your hands. Raise your hand. Answer me.

As adults, we learn about an even more powerful form of submission. Survival. Working. Paying the bills. Being deferential to a client. Passive. Passing for something we are not just to make a buck. It's brutal, really. But unless you want to starve, you will work. You will obey.

My friend Jay hates the subservience. He often calls and talk about the noises he hears while we are on the phone. The noises that indicate that our calls are being monitored. The noises that force us to censor our conversations. I've tried to hear the noises. I never could. He tried to educate me. Explain the conspiracies. Of which there are many, according to him. Everything from why he can't hold a job to why we are at war. The government is responsible for more than I realized.

And we've found even more ways to be meek when we grow up. Obeying a spouse. Subjugating yourself to the needs of a loved one. You think that when you're an adult that you'll conquer the submission. Become assertive. But more often, you find yourself compromising. Just for now. But when does "now" give way to a life filled with regret?

Your family influences you and makes you obedient, too. So do your friends. If you stop compromising, you might lose everything. Or so we've been taught. We accept that we are powerless to change our lives. Without ever questioning the loss of power, or working for change. Asserting ourselves.

When does the cycle of submission stop? I'd like to think that I can reverse the cycle. I think for myself. I act on my own selfish needs. I follow my own schedule and live and love as it pleases me. I know I won't regret my choices. I don't believe in regrets. Because I don't have to. There's nothing to regret. The cycle stops with me.

And yet. And yet. Am I too docile? I know I let people railroad me. A people-pleaser. A push-over. Handing over money when I don't want to spend. Giving and not receiving. Saying yes when I want to say no. Going down, when I'd rather stay up.

The number one word I hear people use to describe me is "sweet." But am I truly a kind-hearted person? Or am I just obeying the rules?

Comments

Anonymous said…
Lisa,

I fear you're conflating submission with any number of self esteem issues. As I read this post, I'm seeing any number of things at work.

I'm going to try to encapsulate a whole lot of ideas in not much space, so forgive me if I'm not fully clear and feel free to ask questions.

As I understand submission it ought to be a conscious exchange of power. You give authority and power and they take on responsibility. When it works that way, it works wonderfully. Most of our personalities fit into some continuum of Dominance or submission. Most of us also don't have the first clue of what that means.

We think, Dominant = Mean, Selfish, Bullying, Unfair, maybe even Violent, and, Submissive = Weak, Stupid, Patsy, Doormat, VICTIM.

Well, guess what? There are a ton of folks who want you to attach those moral values to those orientations, but in point of fact, those are just projections. They have nothing to do with the act/choice of submission (or dominance for that matter).

There are lots of folks who consciously or unconsciously exploit submissive tendencies in people who don't understand that it's not a weakness it's just a valid choice. The exploiters want the benefits of pushing someone around (to one degree or another) without taking the responsibility that actually DOMINATING a submissive would entail. There is no power exchange, only parasitism.

If one can get one's brain around the distinctions and perhaps embrace the aspects of one's nature that one is denying, it takes the power back from the parasites and brings it back where it belongs.

I have seen "asshole magnets" and "perpetual victims" turn their lives around literally on a dime by embracing their nature and taking responsibility for getting their legitimate desires fulfilled. They have always known what they wanted, they just didn't realize that they needed to consciously exchange that power rather than just drifting from one "stronger" authority or parasite to another.

The "cycle of submission" sounds more like simple dysfunction. Failure to accept oneself and one's responsibilities is the problem, not the submission--in fact, I'm not seeing what I would really call submission for the most part. Except professionally. It's odd. There seems to be a moral judgment that is tainting the noble and good act of exchanging value for value. I mean, when I do work for clients, I set my terms or negotiate them within my comfort levels, and if that doesn't work, we don't do business. I'll work for them, freely, because I choose to. It's good. And if they violate our understanding, I fire the client. I wasn't weak for working for them. I submitted to their will withing a specified context that we agreed to and that gets us both what we want and need.

BTW, this same "denial of self" issue that I was talking about above affects a large number of dominant personalities, too. They usually aren't perpetual victims but they do make great prey for those manipulators who want "saviors" and they do tons of damage to themselves by not accepting that what they want is good and proper. As such they often spend too much of their lives dis-empowered and existing in a state of low-grade depression and lowered self esteem. And yeah, things can turn around fast for them too once they accept themselves.

Anyway, that's my read. I hope it's at least food for thought.
Lisa said…
Y-K-W:

In the end, I think that for most of us, it’s really not so much submission as it is a normal give-and-take that we all do at work and in our relationships with other people. I feel like I hear a lot of people talking about compromise and how resentful they feel about being submissive. I have to compromise, too. But I don’t hate myself or anyone else for it. I won’t work with someone that’s disrespectful to me. And overall I know my work ethic is strong, I work hard and I love what I do. So, I take ownership for my happiness in my career.

As far as for my relationships, well, I will always be attracted to deeply charismatic people. Yet, my friends tell me that I am a charismatic, too. As with most people, the lines are blurred- I’m either a dominant submissive or submissive dominant. More give and take.

It’s interesting that you mention dominants, and how they allow the enablers to save them. Throughout my whole life, I have found that to be very true. People need someone to fall back on, even if it’s not the right person for them. Without that support, they’d have to face up to everything in their life all at once, and that’s a scary prospect for most people.

I know it isn’t that easy; everyone needs to take the steps they need to take to improve their lives in their own time and at their own pace. But I often feel impatient with people who talk about being very unhappy and then don’t do anything about it. Why even bring it up? But I think it’s like you say; they are probably living their lives in a state of depression or have low self-esteem. And I know when you are feeling that way you definitely don’t feel empowered, and you definitely can’t take control of your life. It’s cyclical.

When people refuse to accept responsibility and embrace the changes they need to make to make themselves happy, I know that I cannot be the one to do it for them. I refuse to be someone else’s catalyst for change.

But like a lot of women, I do want to save the ones that matter- and make them whole again, and happy. It’s foolish, and I continue to learn that it’s a mistake to trust some people with your feelings. Because if they can’t make themselves happy, what chance is there that they can make you happy?

I think at the end of the day, if you feel happy and satisfied with your life, and you take full responsibility for all of your actions that day, you’re probably doing what you’re supposed to be doing. That’s about all anyone of us can ask for.

I’m trying. ~
You-Know-Who said…
Lisa,

I fear you're conflating submission with any number of self esteem issues. As I read this post, I'm seeing any number of things at work.

I'm going to try to encapsulate a whole lot of ideas in not much space, so forgive me if I'm not fully clear and feel free to ask questions.

As I understand submission it ought to be a conscious exchange of power. You give authority and power and they take on responsibility. When it works that way, it works wonderfully. Most of our personalities fit into some continuum of Dominance or submission. Most of us also don't have the first clue of what that means.

We think, Dominant = Mean, Selfish, Bullying, Unfair, maybe even Violent, and, Submissive = Weak, Stupid, Patsy, Doormat, VICTIM.

Well, guess what? There are a ton of folks who want you to attach those moral values to those orientations, but in point of fact, those are just projections. They have nothing to do with the act/choice of submission (or dominance for that matter).

There are lots of folks who consciously or unconsciously exploit submissive tendencies in people who don't understand that it's not a weakness it's just a valid choice. The exploiters want the benefits of pushing someone around (to one degree or another) without taking the responsibility that actually DOMINATING a submissive would entail. There is no power exchange, only parasitism.

If one can get one's brain around the distinctions and perhaps embrace the aspects of one's nature that one is denying, it takes the power back from the parasites and brings it back where it belongs.

I have seen "asshole magnets" and "perpetual victims" turn their lives around literally on a dime by embracing their nature and taking responsibility for getting their legitimate desires fulfilled. They have always known what they wanted, they just didn't realize that they needed to consciously exchange that power rather than just drifting from one "stronger" authority or parasite to another.

The "cycle of submission" sounds more like simple dysfunction. Failure to accept oneself and one's responsibilities is the problem, not the submission--in fact, I'm not seeing what I would really call submission for the most part. Except professionally. It's odd. There seems to be a moral judgment that is tainting the noble and good act of exchanging value for value. I mean, when I do work for clients, I set my terms or negotiate them within my comfort levels, and if that doesn't work, we don't do business. I'll work for them, freely, because I choose to. It's good. And if they violate our understanding, I fire the client. I wasn't weak for working for them. I submitted to their will withing a specified context that we agreed to and that gets us both what we want and need.

BTW, this same "denial of self" issue that I was talking about above affects a large number of dominant personalities, too. They usually aren't perpetual victims but they do make great prey for those manipulators who want "saviors" and they do tons of damage to themselves by not accepting that what they want is good and proper. As such they often spend too much of their lives dis-empowered and existing in a state of low-grade depression and lowered self esteem. And yeah, things can turn around fast for them too once they accept themselves.

Anyway, that's my read. I hope it's at least food for thought.

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