the clock stop

I have to think that a lot of what went wrong in our relationships has to do with timing. Looking back at my most significant relationships and trying to figure it all out, it wasn’t so much that we didn’t get along or that we didn’t share the same values. I think that our timing was off.

When I lived with him, I was just finishing college and we moved in together after something like, I don’t know, three weeks? And I loved him, I still love him, but now that we’re just best friends we laugh about how young we were then. Trying to play house. We were trying to cope with the emotional upheaval that comes with a deep commitment when we were, basically, still just kids. With no idea what it took to sustain a relationship.

And I have to wonder, if we’d met at a different time in our lives, if things could have been different.

Sometimes it feels like when you most want a relationship, when you’re ready to go all-in, to start to trust again and to give something new a try, that’s when you only meet people who want to be just friends. Who want to explore new opportunities and leave themselves an opening to see “what’s out there.”

When you want to meet a lot of new people and just have fun, you find people who are flummoxed by your decision and don’t see the point of going on together, when it will never go anywhere. And it’s true; as long as you’re spending time with the wrong person, you won’t find the right one. I’ve learned that over the years. You have to be open to feeling the click.

I broke up with him because I wanted to see what else there was. Years later I can tell you, there wasn’t anything else. I found myself trying to explain this to a friend recently and I know, he didn’t understand what I was saying. But it’s this:

You can get up every day, drink your latte, go to work, come home, fix dinner and go to bed, wake up drink your latte go to work come home fix dinner and go to bed every day for the rest of your life while never quite finding that connection again. Because people just aren’t making connections like that every day. Mostly, they’re staring out the window, slurping hot coffee and wondering if today’s going to be the same as yesterday.

And yes; it is.

no regrets

I’ve never believed in regrets. My thinking has always been, whatever it was that I did, I wanted to do it at the time. For better or worse, I made a decision that I thought was the right one, and I can’t impact that choice today.

And yet … There are a few things that I probably could have handled differently. Situations that could have been executed with a little more grace. Loved ones and liked ones that I could have treated more kindly. It makes me feel worn down just thinking about it. Maybe there are some things that we cannot leave behind, no matter how hard we try.

I believe that everyone has done something that’s not in their character just because they wanted the experience.

But have you ever done so many somethings that you start to question what your character has become?

I had an eye-opening discussion about regrets with a couple of my heart friends recently. Because yes, anywhere we go, and especially anytime we are at the Pub, I will open up a discussion to get ideas for the blog. It’s irresistible, really. Because who else will give me so much brutal honesty and give my many questions such thoughtful consideration?

Between the three of us, two of us felt the same about regrets. And the third said she had regrets, but that they were just a part of who she was at that time in her life. Que sera, sera. A point which we then argued about for the better part of an hour: You have regrets but they were just a part of who you were at the time? Isn’t that the same as having no regrets at all?

Maybe we were just splitting hairs… and sloshing beers. Either way, I think that dealing with regrets has to do with forgiveness and self acceptance. Learning from your mistakes, and trying to be a better person. Not looking in the rear view mirror so often that you forget to look at what’s in front of you. It’s my own brand of twelve-stepping.

And so far, it seems to be working.